One of the first life lessons we learn as children is to apologize when we make a mistake or hurt someone's feelings. I believe apologies are important when you've truly done something wrong, however, I have found that as an adult, I have become an almost compulsive apologizer. I am constantly worried that I am being a bother, taking up someone's time or space, or letting people down, and as a result, I am constantly saying sorry. I know I'm not alone in this, and I've become aware, especially at my job, that women seem to be apologizing all the time for things that aren't even a problem (and rarely do I hear men apologizing). While I want to be considerate of other people's time and feelings, I seem to have combined this desire with the belief that my presence is burdensome. How do I undo this thinking while also empowering other women to do so?

Dear friend, 

Apologizing for hurting someone’s feelings is an important quality in a compassionate human. It’s a display of empathy and kindness together with self-awareness of the way our actions impact other people. Go you for having this lovely and admirable quality.

Now, let’s talk about being a compulsive apologizer. What is the meaning of an apology? It’s a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure. Apologizing to other people for things you listed such as taking other people’s time, invading their space, or generally being worried about being a bother is not about them or how they may receive you, it’s about how you see yourself and how you believe you fit into the world. You know this too because you say that you believe your presence is “burdensome.”

Worrying about upsetting or offending other people is a tricky activity. How people receive you is entirely out of your control. If you want to constantly please those around you, you will always have to modify who you are and regularly try to figure out what it is they need from you. Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?! When you apologize for things that don’t actually hurt other people, you make yourself wrong and small. At that moment, you also surrender to the hierarchy of the old-world order where women have been expected to be polite, “know their place” and generally be caretakers of those around them. You are not here to emotionally take care of every person you encounter nor is it your job to anticipate their needs. You are here to live fully as your authentic self, staying present in your body and your truth. Living from a space where you are constantly apologizing for perceived minor offenses is as far from authenticity as you can get. 

The concept of your presence as “burdensome” is a curious one. How can you be certain that it is burdensome to other people? Is it possible that you find your own presence “burdensome”? What I mean by this is that there seems to be a level of discomfort you may be feeling about your own physical presence in the environments in which you operate. Taking up space, time, and energy in the world is your birthright, my dear friend. You belong in the world and get to claim your space which has nothing to do with other people. And, belonging starts with putting a stake in the ground and trusting in your own enoughness. 

The final step of overcoming being a compulsive apologizer is to prepare and plan ahead. I have a hunch that this behavior of frequent apologizing has now become a bit of a habit. The good news is that habits can be recalibrated.

How do you stop apologizing all the time? Well, slowly. I would suggest you start with a substitute phrase to the word “sorry.” The instinct to apologize will be there for a while until it won’t. There was a time in my professional life where every time I needed to speak with someone, I would enter their office and say “sorry to bother you but…” One day after reading about how commonplace it is for women to constantly apologize, I recognized my own behavior and asked myself why I was apologizing for things that didn’t require an apology. After all, when I need to speak with someone I’m generally sharing information that benefits them too. I also dropped the idea of hierarchy where some people depending on their social standing believe their time is more valuable than mine. Now, they are obviously free to believe that, but I don’t have to subscribe to that notion. I chose to believe that no one’s time is more important to me than mine. I have a limited time on this earth and in order to live a fulfilling life I have chosen to prioritize my time. I didn’t entirely believe that at first but the more I repeated this to myself the more I embraced it.

Interestingly, my body too had something to say about my unnecessary apologizing. The moment I uttered the words “sorry to bother you” I could feel my own power drain and my energy drop. How does your body react to each empty apology? Does it light you up or deplete you? In a gentle way out of this frequent apologizing, I began using replacement phrases. Mine were: “Hello, do you have a moment to speak” or “hello, is now a good time to chat.” What phrases can you come up with to substitute “sorry?” How about “thank you for understanding” or “thank you for your patience”? How about silence? Not saying anything. Would that be more or less uncomfortable? The beauty of this exercise is that at first it will be tremendously uncomfortable and then one day it won’t. A day will come when you won’t feel the need to apologize and the confidence in your birthright of being here, taking up space, and belonging will be deliciously present. 

So, boo, do you, and let everyone else take care of themselves.

With love,

Sylwia, Cofounder