THE POWER OF SAYING NO

2020 is a wrap. Thank God! We are all welcoming 2021. New Year, new goals, new hopes, and dreams. But we shouldn’t be so quick to disregard and forget about 2020.   Although I’m a true believer in putting the past in the past, and glad to be on the other side of 2020, I can’t help but think that it taught me so much.

As a 35-year-old wife and mother, I work a full-time job (part-time from home and part-time from the office due to Covid). Before 2020 and all it brought with it, I considered myself very social; meeting friends for drinks, having couple’s night, friends and family gatherings at our home. Not a second thought was given about going to a store, taking the subway to and from work, or buying lunch from a restaurant. And then, March 2020 happened. 

All of a sudden, the world shut down. Our out-of-the-home activity was limited to visiting the grocery store as we were lucky enough to be able to work from home. Our daughter was pulled from daycare and we kept her home to be safe. There was so much that was unknown. The adjustment period felt long, it was almost surreal. Then, the summer came and we felt like there was a slight bit of relief. We had more information on the virus and the nice weather made us believe that we would be safe out of the house and outdoors. As quickly as that sigh of relief came, it went. We realized that while outdoors was “safer” it was not the answer. It was around this time that I came to the realization, as much as I fought against it for a while, that I would have to start saying NO!   

As background, it is worth mentioning that my wonderful husband is from Albania and grew up amid a civil war. His parents gave him a wonderful childhood but he was very familiar with sacrifice and disappointment in life. I, on the other hand, was not. Growing up with everything I wanted and needed, hearing NO required a level of processing of an answer I rarely accepted. I didn’t like disappointment and avoided it altogether if possible. 

The first NO I started with was a tough one. My daughter was turning one and like most first-time mothers, I was planning quite the party. But, it just was not safe to have it. And, with the push of my husband, I came to realize that I had to say NO. Then, the office wanted us to go back to work in mid-July, but I needed to work from home for another couple of weeks until my mother-in-law retired. Again, it was a NO! Friends wanted to meet for dinners outside and with very few guarantees, most of the time, it was a NO. I was invited to have play dates with my daughter, who had no other contact with children at this time, but we had to say NO. This whole time, the NO was hard for me and easy for my husband. He would say “it is what it is, we have to be safe.” The child in me would always question, but why? The uncomfortable truth was that this virus is a killer and we were the only ones who had the power to keep our family safe from the outside. It had to start with - US. It had to start with - NO. 

Like many people staying home all the time, I started to dive into some vices such as drinking every night. After a while, I had to say NO! My husband took up baking, and after about 5 pounds it was a NO to that as well! Invitations to vacation homes by friends, again the answer was NO! Suddenly, saying NO was easy. In addition to being easy, it was easily accepted. No one pushed back, no one questioned. Once it became easy, I started to think - what other things can I say NO to? How about NO to the bullshit or toxic people in my life. NO to excessive online shopping. In November, I said NO with my vote.

It all started to become clear to me, saying NO to one thing opens us up to say YES to something else. NO to Thanksgiving with my family meant YES to Christmas with them. NO to making plans with friends for New Year’s gathering meant I could say YES to them when the time was right. I said NO to a few things in order to say YES to many more. And then, with all this new empowerment I felt from saying NO, I started to recognize the yeses I needed to say. Yes, to self-care, yes, to good health, yes to working out even when dead tired. Yes to nine hours of sleep some nights, yes to quality time with my husband, and yes to a new hobby or pastime. Yes, to invest in myself. YES! YES! YES! 

When I came to terms with the NO, new possibilities opened up with the YES. Now, a few months into 2021, I know there are more NOs ahead of me. But I am ok with it. 2020 taught me to embrace the unknown, let go of perfection, and trust that as long as I have my health and my family everything will be okay. I hope to learn as much from the NOs of 2021 as I did from 2020. And I am hopeful that with all the NOs, there are more YESes on all of our horizons!

By Erica Pecani